If you are a gay teen or a parent of a gay teen and would like some personalized advice about something in this arena, we welcome you to submit your question to Nicole Kent, our head facilitator and group moderator. She will be happy to post a response to your question on this page. Just submit your questions HERE. Questions that other people have submitted in the past are listed below.

~ I think my parents will reject me ~

Question:  Hi Nicole. I'm 16 and I've known that I was gay since I was 11.  I think my mother suspects, but we've never talked about it.  My father sometimes makes derogatory comments and jokes about gay people, so I'm not sure how he'll react.  I'm tired of holding this secret.  It's making me feel depressed.  How can I tell my parents so they'll accept me?

Nicole:  Firstly, I'd like to commend you for your courage.  "Coming out" to parents can be very stressful.  There is often pressure from others to either tell your parents, or to keep it a secret.  The fact is, coming out is a completely personal decision.  There is nothing you can do to "make" your parents accept you, however there are some things you can offer to help them to understand who you are.  Fortunately, most parents do come to love and accept their children as they are.  A very few parents react very negatively, resulting in kids being rejected or abused.  I encourage you to have a safety plan in the off chance that your parents have a negative reaction.  For example, a friend or relative you can call or stay with.  I encourage you to be direct and clear, "Mom, I want to tell you something that may be difficult for you to hear.  I am gay.  I have known for a long time, but have been worried about telling you".  You may also want to leave a pamphlet or phone number for PFLAG (parents and friends of gays and lesbians) for your parents should they decide to get information and support from others.  This is a great time for you to get the support of a group or from an accepting and loving therapist.  Coming out has to happen many times in a gay person's life, but it gets easier and easier.  Be strong and know that you are great the way you are. 

~ I feel like the opposite gender ~

Question: I'm a girl, but I have always felt like a boy.  Am I gay or just crazy?

Nicole: Let me assure you that you are not crazy.  There are many people like you who feel that they were born with the wrong body.  You may be transgender, which means a person who identifies as the other sex.  Gender identity (feeling male or female) is a separate thing from sexual orientation.  There are transgender people who are gay, and transgender people who are straight.  Some transgender people go on to have corrective surgery to match their bodies with their minds.  Others simply dress and behave as the gender with which they identify.  I encourage you to get into counseling and to gain as much knowledge as you can.  This can be a long and at times difficult journey.  You will likely run into a lot of misunderstanding from family and friends, but you will be stronger and wiser than most when it is all said and done.

~ How do I know if I'm gay? ~

Question: Hi, I was just wondering, how do I know if I'm gay? I tried taking one of those online "are you gay?" quizzes and I scored pretty low on the gay side, but the thing is that I just turned 15 and I've had sexual feelings for one of my best friends more and more for over a year. We've never done anything and I've never told him, but I'm not sure if this is something that will go away or not. What's even more confusing is that I know I'm also definitely attracted to girls. Aside from my friend, I've never felt like this about another guy and I've only had girlfriends in the past. I'm hoping it's something that will go away but it just seems like it's not.

Nicole: First off, there are no quizzes that could give you that answer.   Sexuality and sexual identity are not distinct categories.   For some people, they have a clear and unquestionable sense of themselves as gay or straight.   For many others, the line is not so clear.   I think the important thing for you is to explore what it means to you to have feelings for another guy and what it means to you to be called gay or straight.   I encourage you to be less concerned with the label - you have plenty of time to find the label that works for you.   Try not to get caught up in society's need to split us into either/or categories.   Just know this - whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, or something else, you are worthwhile and deserving of love.   Once you are comfortable with your feelings and fears, you will gain greater clarity about how you define yourself.   Many young people are using the term "queer" nowadays.   It means, basically, that your sexual identity doesn't fall into any one of the existing labels.   Best of luck.   If you find yourself struggling and suffering, please seek support from friends, family, or counseling.

~ This secret is killing me ~

Question: I'm 17 years old and I am trying to come out to my mom and I am so afraid of what might happen. My father ran out on my mom and me when I was about 7 years old. I have only seen him once in 10 years and my mom just got over having cancer. I want to tell her because this secret is killing me because I can't be myself, but I can't lose my mom like I lost my dad. What should I do?

Nicole: Wow.   You have a lot on your plate.   I can understand why it would be so difficult to make the decision to tell your mother if you fear losing her.   I don't know how your mom will react, but I would venture to guess that she wouldn't want you to keep a secret that is killing you.   I am wondering if you have any family members who know.   Another adult family member might be a good way to provide you with a much-needed ally and can give you insight into your mom's reaction.   If not, I encourage you to seek counseling, either through insurance or through your school, so that you can talk about the feelings you are dealing with and can make a plan for how and when to tell your mom.   Nobody can tell you to come out or to keep a secret - it is your own decision.   Remember, your mom's initial reaction to the news may change over time.   I encourage you to get the number for your local PFLAG chapter. They are a support group for the parents and friends of gays and lesbians.   Your mom could get the support she needs to understand your sexual identity and to process through any confusion or fear she may have.   The last point is to get support!   Talk to others who have gone through this before you.   We'd love to see you at group!   I hope you will write back and give us an update.

~ Can I still be religious? ~

Question: I'm a transgendered lesbian and I go to church. Can I still be religious and go to church? Because the pastor says homosexuality is a sin and I feel bad about myself now.

Nicole: There is absolutely no reason why you can't be a Christian and be transgendered or gay. By the way - sexual orientation and gender identity are two completely separate things. There are straight transgendered people and gay or bisexual transgendered people. There are some Christians who interpret the bible as being anti-homosexual. There are many others who believe that God has created us in His image and that homosexuality is just as much a part of His plan as heterosexuality. You must decide if you want to stay in your current church or if it makes more sense for you to move to a more affirming church. There is no one right answer. Nobody can tell you to stay or to go. All I can tell you is that you are beautiful and worthy as you are and that nobody on earth can speak for God. You deserve love and acceptance - if you don't have it now, keep looking and be patient. It gets easier.

~ I don't find guys attractive anymore ~

Question: I think that I might be gay because I feel a strong attraction towards girls and I don't find guys attractive anymore. How can I tell my parents because they're homophobic and I don't know if I am gay.

Nicole: It sounds like you have two questions. One, how do you know for sure if you are gay, and two, how do you tell your parents? I will try to respond to both. As for figuring out if you are gay, try to remember that sexual orientation is like many other human characteristics and falls on a continuum. What that means is that it may not be as simple as "you are or you're not". There are many people who believe that sexuality is also fluid, meaning that it can shift and change over time. Our society splits us into distinct categories because that makes it easier to split us into "good" and "bad". I encourage you to explore your feelings over time and to think about what it means to you to be attracted to girls, boys, or both. If you want to, you can find a label that fits, but you don't have to. Always remember - you are a wonderful and worthy individual no matter what!

As for the second part of your question, coming out to your parents when you know they have homophobic views is never easy. There are lots of things to consider. You didn't mention your age, which may be important because your decision to tell them may depend on whether or not you are living with them, financially dependent on them, etc. Also, you have to consider their reactions to other things that have happened in your life. If they have been abusive or rejecting in the past, there is a risk of that type of reaction when you tell them. If, however, they have been loving and accepting to you throughout your life, chances are, they will react more positively. I encourage you to get the support of an accepting adult. This may be a relative, a teacher, or a therapist. The adult can help you to make a decision about when and how to approach your parents and can be a safe person to advocate for you and protect you if the reaction is negative. You may, at some point, want to refer your parents to PFLAG, an organization that offers education and support for the friends and family members of gay and lesbian individuals. Just remember, you are not alone. You may want to seek out groups for gay and lesbian youth in your area. They are generally very welcoming to those who are questioning their sexuality and are often a great source of support. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

~ I'm worried about my son's ex ~

Question: My question is not about my 17 year old son, it's a concern for his 18 year old friend (ex)partner. Coming out to his friends was easy but since the breakup I have a feeling that one of his well-meaning friends will do something stupid and try to get them back together by telling his parents he is gay. It was the reason for the break-up. We like the boy very much and do not want any harm come to him. My son thinks he may try to harm himself if his dad finds out. I really do not know what to do. Thank-you

Nicole: Thanks for writing. The first thing I want to say is that it is never okay to forcibly "out" someone. That is a personal and often difficult decision to make and everyone deserves the right to make it at their own pace. That said, I would take the risk of suicide seriously. I don't know a lot about the boy's situation, but I will offer a few suggestions. It sounds like he may need some help. If you are able to encourage him to get some counseling, I think it would be helpful. Does he have a good relationship with his mother or other adult? If so, bring her in on what is going on. Let the boy know that you are available to him and that you care. If the boy's parents do find out, let them know about PFLAG and find the local contact information. Here are two hotline numbers to give to the boy so that he can talk this out with someone. Gay Teen Hotline: 866 4 U TREVOR (866-488-7386) & Suicide Hopeline: 800-SUICIDE. Please be in touch and let us know how this turns out.

~ How do I tell her I like her? ~

Question: I'm a lesbian and there's this girl I like who's bi. How do I tell her that I like her without freaking her out?

Nicole: What makes you think she'll freak out? She may be stoked that you finally got up the nerve to say something. It's never easy to reveal our deepest feelings because it makes us vulnerable to rejection. Think of it this way - if you let her know how you feel, you have a 50% chance of finding out that your attraction is mutual (as well as a 50% chance of finding out that your attraction isn't mutual. But life will go on after, it always does). If you never let her know how you feel though, there's a 0% chance for the positive outcome you're seeking. So realistically, the only way to attain the outcome you want is, as hard as it might be, through a little vulnerability and honesty. You'll always miss 100% of the shots that you never bother to take.  I also think it's a good idea to establish a friendship with someone you like before hand. This gives you both an opportunity to get to know each other first and discover if there are deeper feelings.   Just remember that whether she is interested in you or not, you are deserving of love and it will eventually find you.

~ I want a way out of being gay ~

Question: I have grown up with no dad, a single mom, and 3 sisters. I am 15 years old, live in Vancouver, and for the past 2 years have started to notice guys. I feel it is partly because of having no father figure. If not all, but most people are brainwashed these days, and unfortunately I am one of them. I feel that I am in a state of arrested development and I am brainwashed by media, government, education, and corporation. The littlest things make the biggest difference with brainwashing. I want to understand how the subconscious mind works.   Then I will be able to help myself to my fullest ability. I still like girls, but lately I've been mostly liking boys. It feels wrong when I think of boys. I do not know how to explain it. I am sure you know what I mean. I think I am addicted to porn and that feels wrong as well. My dad, who I never see, is a brain washed Jehovah's witness.   My mom is controlling and, in my opinion, brainwashed as well to believe in the things and do the things she does. I get the feeling she is brainwashed into doing and trying to do and make me do the "right" thing. However, the right thing is not right at all, it is the exact opposite. I am not too sure on how to explain what I mean... Anyways, basically I want a way out of being gay, sometimes I feel on and off of being gay, as if I am bisexual. Is there any psychiatrists or physiologists that help with this or therapy that helps with this? I feel like I have been brainwashed to think negative thoughts. I feel isolated as if I lost myself, or my soul. I feel like I need to find myself, go through a spiritual experience maybe. There is definitely lots more I have to say, but I will just go from here. Please if you have any advice.

Nicole: Your question is a big one. I understand what you mean by brainwashed - it often feels like people are just repeating what they've heard or read, and don't think enough about what they're saying or what they believe. I applaud you for wanting to take the time to understand yourself. There are many people out there (therapists, counselors, or psychologists) who could possibly help you to explore and eventually better understand your feelings and what they mean. I hope you will find an outlet for your thoughts and worries. I know it's hard, but try not to get too caught up in trying to define yourself. Whether you are gay, bisexual, or just curious, time and acceptance will help you to find your true self. There are a lot of young people who find themselves drawn to porn. It can be a problem because it can become an addiction that gets in the way of "real" relationships. It doesn't, however, make you bad or weird. Just another issue to talk about with your counselor.

As for your reference to your absent father - there does not appear to be a relationship between homosexuality and absent fathers. That's an old theory. The most widely accepted theory about homosexuality today is that it has to do with hormone exposure in fetuses. In other words, we're born this way. I hope you find what you're looking for. Stay strong and keep in touch.

~ My sons boyfriend is very controlling ~

Question: My son is 18 and gay. We've known since he was 14. We had him in therapy and church. He seemed to be happy until he turned 18. He has since moved out and is living with the guy who told him he was gay when he was 14. He still attends high school, but will not communicate with me or any of this family. We've accepted that he is gay, but cannot accept this other guy in his life. He is very controlling toward my son. What can we do?

Nicole: I'm so glad to hear that you have accepted your son's sexual orientation. That said, it sounds like there may be more going on. Because your son is 18, there is very little that you can legally do to change the situation, but that doesn't mean that you should give up. The word that jumped out at me when you described your son's partner was "controlling". We use that word to mean a lot of things, but being controlling is one sign of potential abuse. The other red flag is that an abuser will often work to isolate their partner from friends and family in order to increase control. This may explain why your son won't talk to you. I wonder if there is another adult that your son remains connected to? A teacher? A counselor? Perhaps you can share your concerns with that person. I would also be sure to continue to let your son know that you love him and miss him. If this is an abusive relationship, it will take time, patience, and support for your son to realize it and make a change. Hang in there. Let us know how things turn out.

National domestic violence hotline: 800-799-7233 www.ndvh.org
Gay Youth Hotline 800-4-U-TREVOR

~ The problem lies with our friends ~

Question: I am a 23 year old male college graduate who is mixed in race and short in height. I am faithfully dating a much taller 42 year old white male. That statement alone is more than enough to cause controversy or as they say "raise a few eyebrows". My partner and I will celebrate our 1 year aniversary in a few weeks. We both have successful jobs in management with different companies. We've bought our condo together and we've even met each other's parents/family; the whole nine yards. We couldn't be more happy in our relationship. The problem lies with our friends instead of our families. We both agree that they didn't expected us to last this long, nor did they expect for us to become so close with each other. About 80% of our friends are single and have started to distance themselves from us. We plan to have our marriage/union in the near future. The question being; even though it would mean the world to the both of us; should we even include them in our plans to get hitched or should we save the headache and be without our dearest so-called friends?

Nicole: Congratulations on your successful relationship. Not knowing your friends and, therefore, unsure if they have specific concerns about your relationship, I would guess that they are reacting out of love. I know it can feel like a personal attack, but I encourage you to be patient with your friends while they get to know about your relationship what you already know. They may be focusing on your differences because they aren't sure how it will work. If you want them to accept you two as a couple, you will also need to accept their concerns. Openness and acceptance can be very healing. If you cut them off because they aren't being supportive, they are that much more likely to think they were right in the first place. That being said, set the boundaries and limits that need to be set with people who are actively criticizing or demeaning to you or your partner. You deserve respect.

~ I was wondering if I could start going to your meetings ~

Question: Hello, I was wondering if I could start going to your meetings and does my mom have to go with me? I really want to go but I'm scared and i just moved down here so I dont really have any friends to go with.

Nicole: You are welcome to come to group any time. Being nervous your first time is understandable, but just keep in mind that it was once the first time for every person currently at the group, so they know how you feel and are always very welcoming. Your mom does not have to come with you and there are no permission slips to sign. Hope to see you Thursday